Ah, yes, my Flawless Fruitcake… I gave a tin of my finest to Robbie Scott and his chaps for that big South Pole expedition, hmm, let’s see… musta been ’09 or ’10, thereabouts? Jolly good snack for those long dark nights on the ice, I ’spect. But I haven’t heard from them in quite a while.

My fruitcake is known for its longevity—nearly as imperishable as ol’ Fred Fathom!

Editor’s note Fred Fathom is on an extended yacht voyage and could not be reached for further comment. As such, this recipe remains untested and we must advise you against attempting it.
Ingredients
  • 0.5kg dried black mulberries
  • 0.5kg dried pineapple
  • 280g self-raising flour
  • 560ml milk
  • 60ml Lagavulin 16-year Scotch Whiskey
  • 4 thick puffs of smoke vintage Cuban cigar
  • 0.5g California gold dust, finely ground
Directions
  1. The dried fruit should soak in milk and whiskey for at least 4 hours, but preferrably overnight or for a full day.
  2. Instruct your manservant to stoke the oven to 150°F, while your cooks line two bread pans (say, 5" × 9" or 13cm × 22cm).
  3. Your cooks will deposit the fruit, milk and whiskey combination in a cauldron. Once they have added the flour, inspect to make sure it is mixed quite thoroughly.
  4. This mixture is then divided between the two loaf pans. This is where you come in. Give 2 good puffs from your cigar into each pan. Waft your hands about to properly direct the fumes into the mixture. Now they will bake for 55 mins to 1 hour.
  5. When it’s time to check the two loaves, take a cutlass, riding stick, fire-poke or any similarly pointy implement you have at hand. If the skewer comes out clean, the fruitcakes are ready. If not, return them to the oven for 5 more minutes. I find that consulting an ostentatious pocket watch on a long chain is the most effective timekeeping method.
  6. On each cake, sprinkle a pinch of fine gold dust in the shape of a capital letter F to ensure your guests know you’re serving a bonafide Fred Fathom recipe.

Note

To make your cakes super-rich (like me), let them cool and add a couple spoonfuls of whiskey.